Blank paper
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Tatsuha's trying to write a fan letter to Ryuichi, but is unable to in the end.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: Blank paper.  
Pairing: Tatsuha + Ryuichi  
Description: Tatsuha's trying to write a fan letter to Ryuichi, but is unable to in the end.**

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is by Murakami Maki-sama. The random lyrics are made up by me.**

**Blank paper.  
By miyamoto yui  
**

"My words so useless."

Crinkle, crinkle.  
I threw another piece of paper into the already overflowing mountain of crumpled paper accumulating inside my wastebasket. Then, I put a hand onto my forehead as I sighed and looked up to the ceiling while slouching in my chair.  
It was already nighttime, but I didn't even notice. I was thinking about Ryuichi anyway. Time seemed to pass so quickly whenever I thought about him. My thoughts always filled with a taste that was a mix of something sweet and sour at the same time whenever Ryuichi came to my mind.

The lamp's light shined onto the next blank piece of paper on my desk, but I didn't want to face it just yet. The wind blew through the window and the autumn air was becoming a bit chilly. I didn't bother to move though. I just wanted everything to be silent for a moment.

After all, that was a rarity in this household. And more so, it was even scarcer inside of my own head.

Father always called me to do my temple duties while I was sent as representative to my sister or brother as a correspondent for our father. I went around the school almost not wanting to care about studying and just crossing from one person to the other, trying to feel someone in between my hands. I didn't bother to look into their eyes because it would all amount to nothing in the end.

Bodies were vessels trying to seek affection in the most animal of instincts. Seeking the most complicated of emotions in the most basic way, as if it could make up for anything.  
Instead, it left something so empty inside of me. And every time I felt that I should recover it with each hope, it slipped away from me. In the end, I became hungrier for something that I didn't know a name for.

Maybe it didn't exist at all.  
Humans have this incomprehensible urge to crave anything that wasn't within their immediate vicinity.  
It wasn't that they had no challenges. They just thought that whatever wasn't theirs must have been much better than the crap they had.

Only, they find out that what they had was meant for them and suited them just fine.

Besides, the only eyes I cared to look at were Ryuichi-sama's whenever I faced the tv and it played one of his concerts before me. Those eyes that ate away at the audience, wanting to devour them with their passion.

At the thought, I turned my chair around and faced the poster that I had of him on the wall. Placing each of my hands on each side of my chair, I made myself more comfortable to watch the figure before me so carefully. I had done this a million times, but it always shook me each time how beautiful this person was. Just looking at him sent such energy throughout my room.

His hand was reaching out to me and I wanted to reach back.

But he might as well as have been an anime character that wasn't real at all. He was too far away and he was too good to be true. I was sure that that was why people loved him from all over. Ryuichi may be a genius vocalist, but he seems to speak to you directly.

He tells you that you are not alone.

This may not make much sense, especially from an obsessed fan from me. But with all the complicated things in my life, I've been trying to survive through all the chaos around me. If my life was tranquil, I waited until something disturbed that tranquility.

Something always did. I never could be peaceful.

"Maybe if I listen to a song…" I absent-mindedly talked to myself and pushed myself from my chair to go over to my stereo. I put it on random and Ryuichi's voice began to pick slowly through my heart as if he were pinching through it with his fingernails.

I sat back down and looked at the piece of paper before me. How the hell could I write a fan letter?  
Wouldn't all my words sound stupid?

"Oh, I love your music." That was how simpletons talked. I needed him to think I was intelligent, someone whom he could at least respect through a letter and conveyed how much I admired him…

…all without telling him how much I loved him through and through.  
Even if this feeling might as well as have been counted as "false" since there was nothing but air to receive the intensity of my feelings.

I didn't even bother to take up my pen. I leaned back on my chair again, but I closed my eyes. I began to flow through the song and waited for the images to appear through my head.

I saw a man who was walking through the edge of a beach and his profile faced me. He was wearing a white blouse and black jeans. His shirt flowed with the wind and his hair was blowing in different directions. His hands were holding the unbuttoned cuffs and his eyes were closed. He continued to walk with the sun setting to the right of him. The ocean continued to crash next to him as if it wanted to catch him, but couldn't even touch him. His face wasn't calm, despite the peaceful scene. He wore a tense face, not wanting to make the wrong step.

Ryuichi's voice was singing about someone who didn't want to believe in that horrid concept called love. To some, it was a sanctuary. To others, it was an ominous burden.  
Everyone had to walk their own path, but it was interesting how people could live and die at the same time.

"Living on the edge, on the edge…" he continued to sing.

But I could feel him throughout my body as his words were trying their best to penetrate into my stubborn, cold heart. I didn't want anyone to touch me at all because whenever I hoped for something, I was met with some kind of disappointment.  
Ryuichi taught me to look beyond that. That's why his voice could reach into the recesses of my soul.

That's why I always searched for him everywhere I was, from dreams to reality. That's why I wanted everything to do with him. I couldn't live without him.

He taught me too much through his words. And I felt that if I ever stopped listening to him, then I would lose a part of myself. Or, maybe I'd lose my life all together.

Even though he didn't really know me, he was an integral part of my life. Even if there were no true memories between us and just the music to carry me by.

But when I listened to the next song, I clenched my hands together. I had never really fallen in love with anyone because I didn't believe in that kind of thing. My family was dysfunctional, but we somehow got along. My friends were okay, but they wouldn't stay forever. They didn't seem the kind to come back, so I hadn't found those kind of people yet. So, I always stuck with my brother and my sister. And all those other people? They just thought I was cute or other superficial reasons. They wanted something from me in some way or other, but it was never something lasting.  
Nothing too sincere.

And what about Ryuihci-sama? Surely, he couldn't have written all these lyrics over the years without feeling any of them. That's why he reached so many people.

But why so much pain? Why about twisted love? Why were his words always about a contorted sense of reality or a demented dream that seemed too real to just be a nightmare?

There were many questions I wanted to ask you. But most of all, I wanted to know why you felt this way. Why were there such sad lyrics from someone as wonderful as you?

And yet, through the interviews, he was always smiling. I could see something, though. Things didn't measure up. There was something he couldn't and wouldn't tell the world.

They were reserved only in his songs.

Unable to write anything, I clicked off the light and sat in the darkness. I closed my eyes and listened more to Ryuichi with tears filling up my eyes because I wanted to feel everything to the fullest extent. I wanted to understand what he was trying to say and what he was feeling, even though I wouldn't really know the truth behind anything.

Yes, that's why I love you and your music so much. Nothing makes sense in the world. Reality is a dream. A dream is a reflection of reality.

So, what do you call this feeling I have towards you? It doesn't go anywhere and yet I still feel it deeply inside of me. It's not fake. It isn't worthless. But there's nothing to prove that it's there.

And there's nothing to dissuade it either.  
But I know it's there and it grows. I've tried to kill it because I knew it was unhealthy and wouldn't amount to much. However, how do you rationalize an illogical concept like love in the first place?

Not coincidentally, Ryuichi's voice became clearer and more powerful as he sang, "You're destroying me with your nonexistence in my life…"

I think I'm beginning to understand a little, Ryuichi. If this were true, I'd admire you even more than I already do. It isn't impossible. You're so clever that way.  
Maybe you wrote about all these lyrics because something happened, but it was dying. Maybe you were trying to keep it alive deep inside of you. Embedding parts of stories into your lyrics for you to remember before you started to forget them too.

Until they became nothing but air, as if they never existed at all.

At that moment, I turned on the light and vainly attempted to make something tangible out of my self-destructive love and admiration.

I glanced back at the poster. Is this how you make lyrics, Ryuichi-sama?

"I really want to kiss your paper lips."

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** This thought of Tatsuha's musings this time 'round occurred to me as I was passing through and listening to L'arc~en~ciel albums. I love this group for many reasons, but most of all for the creativity, the intensity of the singing, and the power of the music's lyrics and melodies. But of course, I'm attracted to those truly heart-wrenching songs like Ibara no Namida, Niji, Finale, Blurry Eyes, the Fourth Avenue Café, etc. as well as Hyde-sama's solos (Hello and Shallow Sleep).  
**  
Saturday, June 26, 2004  
**


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